It's to the point where I can't even imagine myself pregnant anymore. My mind won't allow it. It's like it's given up on the thought of it even being possible. But emotionally, I'm so distraught and it hurts more and more each day.
It's to the point where I don't even think of baby names. I used to ALL the time. I used to bounce them off of John and Morgan to get their opinion. I don't even care now.
It's to the point where I feel I can no longer put on a fake smile around people who are pregnant. It is exciting for the moment, but deep down I just want to walk away. I don't want to talk about it. I know it sounds horrible and why can't I just be happy for them. But I can't help it how I feel. I fought it for so long. But those who judge me for how I feel clearly do not know what's it like to be in my shoes.
It's to the point where I'm starting to see my short fuse emerge. I get upset, angry, sad at things that don't normally get to me like that.
It's to the point where I can see myself shutting people out and not wanting to do anything with anyone. Because it seems like this dark cloud over me is so prominent that everyone, including people who don't know I struggle, can see the darkness encompass me.
It's to the point that I want to scream at the top of a mountain and ask why are people so messed up in life blessed with beautiful miracles just so they can throw them away like trash, beat them, and even kill them. I don't get it. I SO badly want to understand. I want an explanation why so many couples who would give a child the world struggle to have a child of their own.
It's to the point where I can't take it anymore...all the baby news lately. It's like every week someone announces their pregnancy. It hurts more and more each and every time. I have told people in the past that things happen for a reason. It may not make sense now, but one day down the road it will all be so clear. Funny how I can give out words of wisdom like that but cannot take my own words for what it's worth. 26 months of trying. That is ridiculous! I feel our doctors, especially John's Urologist failed us. We could have a nursery, baby toys all over the house, stacks of diapers and baby clothes to fold. But no, we have none of that....and not even sure we will ever.
And don't you think for one minute that I am not grateful for Morgan. I will admit that back then I took for granted my pregnancy. I was young and naive. I loved being pregnant but because it just happened, it never dawned on me the pain that so many people endure on a daily basis because it didn't come as easily to them. I am even more grateful knowing now what I didn't then. I truly believe Morgan came into my life for a reason. A reason I am not proud of, but I think she turned my life around for the better...much better. I grew up quicker, took responsibility and became independent. I did things I never thought I could ever do as a single mom. And I look back so proud of what I did for her and I. I want to give her a sibling from John and I. I know she wants nothing more. I want nothing more. It just seems so far out of reach
Ginger, I am so sorry that you have gotten to this point in your struggle. It's a very hard place to be.
ReplyDeleteSomething that you said is something that I think quite often about my own struggle and one day (very soon, I hope) you will go back to believing those words.
"I have told people in the past that things happen for a reason. It may not make sense now, but one day down the road it will all be so clear."
I have tears for you. Hugs, girlfriend.