Friday, December 28, 2012

...my baby you'll (ALWAYS) be.

“I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
as long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.”

-Robert Munsch

Our fairy tale we lived for 4 short weeks feels like a dream now and that we have woken to a real life nightmare. A parent's worst coming true. No one could ever imagine that we would be put into such a situation and believe we deserved such heartache. "Why?" is such a simple question yet the answer is to complex for life to understand. It hurts to much to ponder the whys, the what ifs and simply trying to understand. The tears shed are to much for any one person's eyes, the ache is to much for any one person's heart. Although the emotional pain is evident, the physical pain is yet to begin as the evidence that this is all over is soon to be experienced. To mentally know it's over should be enough, but it's not. We must also endure the real true meaning of a miscarriage - and take it like it's fair.

On Thursday, December 27, we walked into the ultrasound room not knowing what to expect. However, deep, deep down I knew Baby G wasn't with us anymore. As the tech started looking almost immediately she informed us she didn't see a heartbeat. She proceeded to do measurements of the sac and baby and asked how far along I'm supposed to be. I am supposed to be 8 weeks 5 days pregnant. She frowns and said that baby is only measuring 6 weeks. Basically, shortly after our ultrasound a week ago, baby's heart stopped and began to shrink. The tech informed us that the yolk sac is even abnormal and believes that the baby was chromosomally abnormal. I quickly asked that if this means that the rest of our frozen embryos could be abnormal too. She assured me that this happens a lot and that these same couples go on to have successful pregnancies.

I really held it together in that room. As we got into the car, I lost it. We didn't say a word the whole way home. We got home and I stayed on the couch the rest of the day. I informed many through text but much too painful to talk about it.

As of right now, my body still thinks I'm pregnant. I haven't started bleeding or have had any symptoms of miscarrying. Because my doctor is out of town for the holidays, he cannot do a D&C (manually remove the pregnancy) until late next week. He said I may begin to miscarry on my own before then. We are very ready to move forward to a FET (frozen embryo transfer). Doctor wants to transfer 3 embryos this time. He said we can do 2 again, but he suggests 3. John and I are all for transferring 3 if it means better chance at a normal healthy pregnancy. There is a lot that needs to be done until then, so I'm thinking this won't happen for another few months.

The poem above has entered my mind ever since receiving the news. I surely don't expect everyone to understand what we are going through. Some may say I was so early and never held it, how can it be so devastating. It's ok that they don't understand. In fact, I wish no one knew this kind of pain. It doesn't matter how long you tried and how far along you were. You created life and started to bond with that baby whether you held it physically or not. You do mourn and go through a grieving process. This was a product of John and I and we were so damn proud already! This angel baby will never be forgotten. Words cannot express the joy this baby had already brought into this house. What a powerful energy he/she provided.

We love you Baby G!! We hope you are in the hands of our loved ones in a better place. Help provide us the strength to move forward in bringing home your baby brother or sister. Please always remember...."our baby you'll always be".


Monday, December 24, 2012

7w5d ultrasound - not great

It's taken me several days to write this. Our ultrasound last Thursday didn't go as expected. We still have a baby with a beating heart (although we didn't get to hear it, only see it), but Baby G was measuring behind about a week and a couple days. This could be something to worry about or nothing to worry about. At the ultrasound I was 7 weeks 5 days but was measuring more like 6 weeks and 3 days. I didn't take this news well at all. All day Thursday I was in a state of mourning almost. I was being so pessimistic thinking this was it, we were eventually going to lose this baby. I couldn't snap out of it no matter how many times I googled it and read positive stories. I read more good outcomes than not and yet the not so good outcomes stuck with me the hardest. John was absolutely wonderful. He was staying so positive and really looking out for my mental well being. He really listened to me and then gave me reasons why we have to stay positive. It was a talk I will never forget. Our talk lasted all night. Even though I was being a negative Nelly, it was still so comforting that one of us was not ready to give up this fight. It makes me tear up now just recapping this. I feel that much closer to him for being there when I needed him the most.

Basically, there could be alot of factors on why Baby G is measuring behind. First the baby could be 2-3 days behind due to late implantation. I have always thought Baby G implanted late. In addition to this, the ultrasound machines are trying to measure something that is the size of a piece of rice. You can read all the time that as long as you are measuring within a week + or -, than you are doing good. The machine could be off. And it really depends on the skill of the person doing the ultrasound. Where they start the measurement and where they end it. So I'm much better than Thursday and Friday. It helped being distracted all weekend with a Christmas party Friday night, and family Christmas Saturday and Sunday.

Here is the updated ultrasound pic of Baby G along with the yolk and the gestational sac. I know it's can be hard to determine what is what in these pictures.

Here is another picture that compares the first ultrasound to the 2nd ultrasound.


 Although the first pic was taken a little less zoomed and the second was zoomed in a bit, there is still an obvious difference. The time between the 2 ultrasounds was exactly 2 weeks but baby only grew about a weeks worth. So we are hoping for either a growth spurt or that the baby is consistent with being a week behind but grew a weeks worth. It's still a question whether the baby was considered behind at the first ultrasound. The doc said everything looked good then. He never said what I was measuring exactly, except that I wasn't quite 6 weeks then, which was true. So it still disturbs me some that if everything was fine then, why is Baby G's growth stunted a bit and didn't grow a whole 2 weeks worth? Again, I really need to just refer to all the factors on why this could be and let it be in God's hands.

ALL THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS WELCOME!  Baby G needs all that he/she can get :-)


Monday, December 17, 2012

7 weeks!

Had a bit of a scare this weekend. Friday night I had some pink spotting. I was so scared that I just couldn't handle it. I cried myself tired. The next morning I woke up to brown spotting. Brown spotting is considered "old blood" and is a better sign that whatever may have been bleeding probably stopped. I called the nurse line to get their opinion and they told me exactly what I expected to hear. This is normal for woman to spot around the 7-8 week mark. They told me to stay off my feet for the rest of the weekend and to call back if it turns red. The rest of Saturday I was crampy all day, but not terrible. Enough that I couldn't take my mind off of the possibilities. I tried to think back to what may have caused me to bleed but I can't think of one thing. They say that it could be from the placenta attaching to the uterus which happens around this time. So who knows. It really could be anything. As long as it stopped and I wasn't cramping badly, I'm hopeful that it's one of those normal pregnant things. I never spotted with Morgan so this is new territory for me.

I haven't spotted since Saturday morning and am on pins and needles for my ultrasound on Thursday. It's first thing in the morning at 9am. Thank God! Once I hear a heartbeat, I will feel SO much better about this pregnancy. So many can try to say to relax and whatever happens, happens. So much easier said than done. We have put so much into this. It's like gambling. If you put $10k on the table and the odds of something coming of it were less than 50%, you would be sweating and worried too. I do deep breathing to get me through my more anxious moments as I know stress isn't good for baby. I do try to relax the body as much as possible.

Good news is that I have less than 3 weeks left to take my Progesterone shots. John has been wonderful making sure to help me with them. I do have to do them myself on Mondays as he bowls. Much easier when he is around to do them for me. Kind of an awkward position for me to do it.

We still have people to notify but trying to hold out until this ultrasound. So much happier to tell people when we know it's a viable pregnancy. I plan on updating on Thursday after ultrasound with picture :-)

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

6 weeks/3 days pregnant and loving it!

Saturday I hit 6 weeks. It felt like such a huge accomplishment. When I logged into my blog just now and saw the picture on the right of what our baby looks like right now made me smile. It's really starting to look like something recognizable. Baby G is now the size of a lentil bean, about a 1/4 inch in size. When I read that I actually whipped out my ruler just to give me a visual. Not even quite the size of my pinkie nail.

The symptoms I have are sore boobs (hugging can sometimes be unbearable) although I'm enjoying the bigger boobs now a days. Excessive gas and bloat (yes, I said that), H.U.N.G.R.Y. all the time, random headaches (I'm one of the lucky ones that I don't ever had headaches normally), and T.I.R.E.D all the time. Like, last night I went to bed at 8:30. I had my first bout of nausea over the weekend but not to the point of feeling like vomiting. Otherwise I really hope the morning sickness stays at bay. I never had it with Morgan and hope to God that my pregnancy this time mimics my pregnancy with Morgan. Minus the excessive weight gain. If I can try to keep my weight gain about 30 pounds, I'm golden! Last time I gained a shocking 55 pounds. That's just ridiculous. I started out much smaller than I am now too. I already have about 20 pounds on me from 10 years ago.

Looking forward to the next few weeks. I'm so excited that I have the holidays to help distract me from counting down my days of pregnancy. It will help my first trimester fly by. By New Years Day I will be 9 weeks and 3 days! And our next ultrasound next Thursday and hearing a heartbeat is going to be so awesome! I'm looking forward to John's reaction. 

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Our little bean :-)

 Here he/she is!! Beautiful already.....
Yes, we are expecting ONE little bean next summer. Although I would have embraced twins, I'm sure glad we got lucky with the one who chose to stick around. Doc said everything looks as it should at this stage. Today I'm 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Just shy of 6 weeks. He saw the yolk sac and the starting of the fetal pole (the baby). He said he thought he saw a flicker of the heartbeat but much too small for our untrained eyes to see. It's totally normal not to see a heartbeat this early. So we are to return for repeat ultrasound in 2 weeks, December 20th to hear the heartbeat and see a bigger baby. After that, he will release me to my OBGYN for my normal prenatal care.

All I want for Christmas is a healthy baby with a heartbeart  : )

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Anxious

I have to admit I'm pretty anxious this week because I don't have Beta numbers telling me everything is moving in the right direction. I have an ultrasound in 2 days and I'm anxious about what I will or will not see. I know that I shouldn't worry and that it's in God's hands. This is alot easier said than done. Not only has it been 3 years of disappointment and despair but we have alot of money on the table. We gambled and we won. Now we are just scared of losing our winnings.

My pregnancy with Morgan was everything opposite than this pregnancy. I was carefree with not a worry in sight. Oh to be 21 again...

I decided to give the blog a facelift and include a pregnancy ticker to the right. Isn't it pretty? It tells ya what our little popcorn looks like and how far along I am and when my 1st, 2nd and 3rd trimesters start.

I took Thursday off. In the morning is the ultrasound and then Morgan has an early dismissal from school that day so no reason for me to go to work. Either way, I will be posting an update with a picture.

Until then...