Friday, January 4, 2013

End of a chapter

You don't get over it, you just get through it.
You don't get by it, because you can't get around it.
It doesn't get better, it just gets different.
Everyday...Grief puts on a new face.

Today was the day...the day that we officially said goodbye. Goodbye to what brought so much joy, fear and heartache packed into just over a month. I didn't talk to a whole lot of people in the past week since finding out baby G was gone. Not even my own parents. Time was what I needed and people gave me that without asking.  My heart remains in pieces and am not totally sure when and if it will mend. Mend is the wrong word. Above I mention that it doesn't get better but it just gets different. You don't get over it, you just get through it. Talking out loud about it chokes me up. Hell, even writing my feelings down hurts yet, ironically, therapeutic. I know it will take time for me to start feeling more normal again. I definitely have better moments/days than others.

Today is the day that will be the beginning to closure. Carrying my angel for 2 weeks has almost been torture and has made it difficult to move on. Now that I have had my D&C, I look forward to the possibilities of the future. I'm nervous. I'm sad. I'm hopeful. But more importantly, I'm going to be ok. I have John, Morgan and my friends and family. I have never felt so much love and support from so many people. It means so much that, even though they may not understand my hurt, they don't dismiss my feelings. Because I think I have been wrongfully doing that to myself...

I have thrown the idea back and forth to go see a professional to talk to. Not only for our loss, but just our infertility journey as a whole. It has changed me. It has changed us. I find myself still not grieving how and when I know I should be. I hold it back in fear of upsetting someone - more importantly, John. I sometimes feel ashamed for still being so sad. I told him this the other day and I know it concerned him. I have always been the type of person to be strong or show strength even though I felt weak. I don't show my emotional side very often because I have this stone wall up. John knows of this wall as he has tried to knock it down many a times. I need to work on that. I have held back so many tears for so long. I let loose when I'm alone. A few nights ago, I had a very tough time falling asleep as my mind was racing and I just broke down with John sleeping soundly next to me. I couldn't contain myself, so I went out to the family room and cried a good cry. It was what I needed but didn't want John to know because clearly I want him to know I'm doing ok so he doesn't worry. I went back to bed and I fell asleep. I ended up telling John this the other day as we were having a deep conversation. I know he is there for me and wants to be there for me. Again, I feel ashamed that I still am, at times, paralyzingly sad.

Baby G - We will see you later and reunite in a better place.

I just want to thank all those who have been there for us, thought about us, prayed for us. It means more than you will ever know.