20 weeks!

What a milestone! We have reached the halfway mark of this pregnancy :) We had our anatomy scan on Friday, August 9th which happens to be Morgan's 10th birthday! She came with us and said it was the best birthday present. Aww...she is seriously going to be the BEST big sister of all time!

The best news of all is that baby girl is H.E.A.L.T.H.Y!! Nothing to worry about. What a relief for John and I. We didn't want to register for our shower or do much more with the nursery until this ultrasound to make sure all was well with Baby G.

So what did we do this weekend? We talked more seriously about the nursery decor and bought paint. Now the decorating begins :)

Baby girl is very active! I started feeling her move at around 16 1/2 weeks. A little more often during 17 weeks and by 18 weeks I was feeling her move every day and starting to see the movement on the outside. At exactly 19 weeks, John got see her kick from the outside. Such a sweet moment. There are times where I really wonder what she must be thinking or doing in there by the karate type choreography she is doing in there. She gets going pretty crazy. I was able to get a small video of her kicking me but I can't figure out how to attach it here. Maybe one day.  Most definitely the best part of being pregnant is feeling movement.

My most favorite picture of the ultrasound was this 3D picture. I just love her cute little lips and how she is snuggled into her arm. You can also see how she is laying on her other hand. What a doll baby already. We are so in love :)
                                                                     Baby G

This is my 18 week belly shot (7/27/13) 

  This is 19 weeks 4 day belly shot (8/7/13)

I actually look bigger in the 18 week shot than in the almost 20 week shot. Weird!

20 weeks 2 days (8/12/13)

Baby GIRL!!

Apparently Baby G now stands for Baby Girl ;) Saturday morning, July 20th we had a 3D/4D early gender ultrasound. I was 17 weeks exactly. It was a wonderful experience. First thing the tech did was check the gender. Before she told us, she asked us what we thought it was based on what we saw on the screen. I knew immediately it was a girl and the tech agreed. There was nothing between those legs. Throughout the 20 minute appointment, she checked 2 more times to be sure and each time she said girl.

I'm so thrilled to be having another little girl. Morgan is down right ecstatic to be having a little sister. John....he's still getting used to the idea of having a daughter of his very own. And I'm seeing him come around day after day. He's really being so cute about everything. Makes me fall in love with him more and more as we go through this journey. The other day we had a date night. Instead of dinner and a movie, we went baby clothes shopping then a movie. We headed to Carter's and bought our first outfits for baby. The way he carefully chose little girl onesies was just so great to watch. He ended up picking some "I love Daddy" onesies and shirts. Awww. Last night I showed him a picture of my friend's 2 month old. He said that it's kind of sad how fast they grow out of the newborn stage. I couldn't agree more. You wish you can just bottle that newborn-ness and keep them little forever. At the same time, it's the best feeling in the world to watch them grow and learn.

Here are some belly pics I have taken and pics of the furniture so far.

10 weeks  (6/1/13)                      12 weeks (6/15/13)




      14 weeks (6/29/13)                       15 1/2 weeks (7/10/13)         


   

  

        16 weeks (7/13/13)                             16 weeks (again)       

 

     

         17 1/2 weeks (7/24/13)                  Oh so comfy glider & ottoman




                                   THE CRIB!

 

                               

 

 

It's about time to update...don't you think? LONG and with pictures!

After such a difficult loss with our first IVF pregnancy, you would think I might need some time to heal. I did, but it was short lived. I was back in the saddle and wanted to move forward as quickly as possible. I wanted to be pregnant again, and now! Doctor wanted me to wait one cycle before starting birth control leading into our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET).

I started birth control the end of February. Then I had to have another SIS done beginning of March where they put saline solution into my uterus and do an ultrasound to look for abnormalities of the uterus. Last Fall they found polyps that needed to be surgically removed. Well guess what? They found more polyps. Go figure. So they scheduled me for another polypectomy. This didn't delay our schedule, Thank GOD! A couple weeks later I took one single Lupron shot. This is to suppress my ovaries so that my body doesn't try to grow it's own follicles and potentially release an egg. This is a way for the doctors to take control of my body's schedule and do what they want it to do.
I have to add a small twist to the story here. Back in February I applied for a new job. I interviewed with them 3 times from the end of February to beginning of March. They offered me the job and my first day was April 8th. By this time I knew my transfer was scheduled for either the week of the 8th or the following week, depending on how my body responded to the meds. I was freaking out having to let my new boss know that they have hired someone with quite a bit of baggage and oh! by the way, I will need to take a couple days off my first week. She was extremely supportive and knew by hiring a young woman, that they need to be prepared for that.

A week after taking the Lupron shot, I stopped birth control. A few days later, I started taking Estrogen pills to help build the lining of my uterus. I did this for 3 weeks with weekly ultrasounds to watch the progress of my lining and to make sure my ovaries were calm and quiet. Which they were behaving great. I finally got my transfer date and that was April 10, which was two days after I start my new job!

Fast forward 9 days, I had an overwhelming urge to take a test (I was 9 days past 3 day transfer). I still had 3 days until my blood test at the clinic. I told myself early on that I would test the day before my blood test, but I just couldn't get it out of my had that I needed to test that very day (Friday, April 19). I had 1 digital test at home leftover from my previous IVF cycle. So I took it without letting John know. Guess what? It said NOT pregnant! My heart sank for a second, but something told me that it was too early for a digital. The digital's aren't as sensitive as the regular ones. I kept the results to myself for a little bit and then finally I confessed to John. I told him that I wasn't going to take it for an answer and that I really wanted to head to the store and get real ones. He said let's go then. We headed out at around 7:00 that night and I picked up a box of 3. We came home and I took one right away. There were TWO lines! Faint but there were 2! I'm PREGNANT!! I started crying and I proceeded to walk out to the family room where John was. He heard my cries from down the hall. He jumped up thinking something was wrong. I said "It's there! It's positive!". I showed it to him and we hugged. He said "that's good right?  I think my crying threw him off a bit. It wasn't how I reacted to our first IVF pregnancy, although it was how I had always imagined it. It was such a sweet moment.

Although we went out with family to dinner the following day, we kept it quiet. We were being much more cautious with our news this time around. It was our little secret and I liked it that way.

Monday, April 22 (12 days past 3 day transfer) was the day of my blood test. I took another test that morning to see if he lines got darker. They did. So I felt really good about it. I got the call later that day that my number was 66. Not exactly the number I was expecting but our pregnancy was confirmed. I'm clinically pregnant. 66 is a lower number. But it doesn't really mean anything. What matters is that it doubles or more in 48 hours. My next blood draw was Wednesday the 24th. That number was 126. It didn't quite double. The nurse wasn't concerned and actually said" it doubled", but I knew it didn't really double. I was starting to get nervous. I started to research and research success stories of low and slow rising numbers. I started to convince myself that frozen transfers are slower implanters. They were frozen for crying out loud. I need to calm down and give this baby a break. The doc wanted me to return Friday for a 3rd blood draw.

The next morning (Thursday) I woke up to blood. Quite a bit of it. I freaked out ad started crying. I just knew I was losing it. Why else would I be bleeding right now? It would all make sense with my low beta numbers. I reluctantly took a shower and got ready for work. Through out the day the bleeding lightened up to brown spotting. I wasn't really experiencing cramps which is a good sign. the next day, Friday, I went in for my 3rd blood draw. That number was 252. Exactly double. This was better but it's still a low number for how far along I was. I just didn't understand. Because it was still on the low side, they wanted me to come in on Monday for a 4th blood draw.

I continued to have brown spotting all weekend long accompanied with some of the worst cramps of my life. They were pretty intense for a couple nights straight. I was so scared what this meant. Monday rolled around for my 4th beta. Mind you, I'm still spotting and thinking the worst. They called me with my number and they said it was 1,088!!! It more than quadrupled in 3 days. This was very promising! They wanted me to schedule my ultrasound later that week.

My ultrasound showed a very small gestational sac. Doc was not all that optimistic. He said its measuring about 4 days behind. I was devastated. He didn't really show any reason for the bleeding/spotting I was experiencing. He said to come back in a week for a repeat ultrasound. That whole week I scoured the internet for hope and answers. I could barely keep it together and focus at my new job but luckily it did keep me busy and my mind off of it at times.

 We went back a week later, STILL spotting. This was 2 straight weeks of spotting. I cried on the way to the appt and in the waiting room. I just knew they were going to give us bad news (our second u/s with our first IVF pregnancy is when we were told something wasn't right). As soon as he started the scan he said "oh, we have a heartbeat!". He turned the sound up and we heard the most beautiful heartbeat. I lost it right there. Just bawled my eyes out. Could not believe it. He said it was even measuring more on time too. He wanted to see me in 2 weeks to make sure everything is progressing and then I would be released and graduate to my regular OB office.

After this appt I stopped spotting and started to have some relief. Still cautious but trying to enjoy it some. 2 weeks later I return for my last ultrasound with the specialist and there was my baby....looking like a baby at 8 weeks. Heart beating away still and growing so strong. It was the best feeling. I ordered a home Doppler so I could listen to the heartbeat at any time I wanted. It has kept me sane and happy. We have had a couple ultrasounds at the regular OB office and baby seems perfect and healthy.

Today I am 16 weeks pregnant and due 12/28/13  :)

 We scheduled an early gender 3D ultrasound at a private clinic to find out what the gender is. That appt is on July 20th. One week from today. This pregnancy certainly didn't start off well. Anything that could have gone awry, did, except a miscarriage. But Baby G has proven to be a fighter :)

Here are some pictures of our precious baby:

Me the day of transfer after we got pictures of the 3 embryos.

The far right one was the best of the 3. We think that one was the one that took :)

Positive pregnancy test!

5week 4 day ultrasound. Just a gestational sac

6 weeks 4day ultrasound. Baby is the small white spot in the black circle. This is when we heard the heart beat.

8 week 4 day ultrasound. Baby's head to the right with arms below that and then the body. The circle to the left is the yolk sac.

9 week 5 day ultrasound. At this point the baby was measuring one day ahead.

12 week ultrasound. This is the baby's profile of the head and body. To the left you can see its thigh and knee. It was moving around so much!

End of a chapter

You don't get over it, you just get through it.
You don't get by it, because you can't get around it.
It doesn't get better, it just gets different.
Everyday...Grief puts on a new face.

Today was the day...the day that we officially said goodbye. Goodbye to what brought so much joy, fear and heartache packed into just over a month. I didn't talk to a whole lot of people in the past week since finding out baby G was gone. Not even my own parents. Time was what I needed and people gave me that without asking.  My heart remains in pieces and am not totally sure when and if it will mend. Mend is the wrong word. Above I mention that it doesn't get better but it just gets different. You don't get over it, you just get through it. Talking out loud about it chokes me up. Hell, even writing my feelings down hurts yet, ironically, therapeutic. I know it will take time for me to start feeling more normal again. I definitely have better moments/days than others.

Today is the day that will be the beginning to closure. Carrying my angel for 2 weeks has almost been torture and has made it difficult to move on. Now that I have had my D&C, I look forward to the possibilities of the future. I'm nervous. I'm sad. I'm hopeful. But more importantly, I'm going to be ok. I have John, Morgan and my friends and family. I have never felt so much love and support from so many people. It means so much that, even though they may not understand my hurt, they don't dismiss my feelings. Because I think I have been wrongfully doing that to myself...

I have thrown the idea back and forth to go see a professional to talk to. Not only for our loss, but just our infertility journey as a whole. It has changed me. It has changed us. I find myself still not grieving how and when I know I should be. I hold it back in fear of upsetting someone - more importantly, John. I sometimes feel ashamed for still being so sad. I told him this the other day and I know it concerned him. I have always been the type of person to be strong or show strength even though I felt weak. I don't show my emotional side very often because I have this stone wall up. John knows of this wall as he has tried to knock it down many a times. I need to work on that. I have held back so many tears for so long. I let loose when I'm alone. A few nights ago, I had a very tough time falling asleep as my mind was racing and I just broke down with John sleeping soundly next to me. I couldn't contain myself, so I went out to the family room and cried a good cry. It was what I needed but didn't want John to know because clearly I want him to know I'm doing ok so he doesn't worry. I went back to bed and I fell asleep. I ended up telling John this the other day as we were having a deep conversation. I know he is there for me and wants to be there for me. Again, I feel ashamed that I still am, at times, paralyzingly sad.

Baby G - We will see you later and reunite in a better place.

I just want to thank all those who have been there for us, thought about us, prayed for us. It means more than you will ever know.

...my baby you'll (ALWAYS) be.

“I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
as long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.”
-Robert Munsch

Our fairy tale we lived for 4 short weeks feels like a dream now and that we have woken to a real life nightmare. A parent's worst coming true. No one could ever imagine that we would be put into such a situation and believe we deserved such heartache. "Why?" is such a simple question yet the answer is to complex for life to understand. It hurts to much to ponder the whys, the what ifs and simply trying to understand. The tears shed are to much for any one person's eyes, the ache is to much for any one person's heart. Although the emotional pain is evident, the physical pain is yet to begin as the evidence that this is all over is soon to be experienced. To mentally know it's over should be enough, but it's not. We must also endure the real true meaning of a miscarriage - and take it like it's fair.

On Thursday, December 27, we walked into the ultrasound room not knowing what to expect. However, deep, deep down I knew Baby G wasn't with us anymore. As the tech started looking almost immediately she informed us she didn't see a heartbeat. She proceeded to do measurements of the sac and baby and asked how far along I'm supposed to be. I am supposed to be 8 weeks 5 days pregnant. She frowns and said that baby is only measuring 6 weeks. Basically, shortly after our ultrasound a week ago, baby's heart stopped and began to shrink. The tech informed us that the yolk sac is even abnormal and believes that the baby was chromosomally abnormal. I quickly asked that if this means that the rest of our frozen embryos could be abnormal too. She assured me that this happens a lot and that these same couples go on to have successful pregnancies.

I really held it together in that room. As we got into the car, I lost it. We didn't say a word the whole way home. We got home and I stayed on the couch the rest of the day. I informed many through text but much too painful to talk about it.

As of right now, my body still thinks I'm pregnant. I haven't started bleeding or have had any symptoms of miscarrying. Because my doctor is out of town for the holidays, he cannot do a D&C (manually remove the pregnancy) until late next week. He said I may begin to miscarry on my own before then. We are very ready to move forward to a FET (frozen embryo transfer). Doctor wants to transfer 3 embryos this time. He said we can do 2 again, but he suggests 3. John and I are all for transferring 3 if it means better chance at a normal healthy pregnancy. There is a lot that needs to be done until then, so I'm thinking this won't happen for another few months.

The poem above has entered my mind ever since receiving the news. I surely don't expect everyone to understand what we are going through. Some may say I was so early and never held it, how can it be so devastating. It's ok that they don't understand. In fact, I wish no one knew this kind of pain. It doesn't matter how long you tried and how far along you were. You created life and started to bond with that baby whether you held it physically or not. You do mourn and go through a grieving process. This was a product of John and I and we were so damn proud already! This angel baby will never be forgotten. Words cannot express the joy this baby had already brought into this house. What a powerful energy he/she provided.

We love you Baby G!! We hope you are in the hands of our loved ones in a better place. Help provide us the strength to move forward in bringing home your baby brother or sister. Please always remember...."our baby you'll always be".

7w5d ultrasound - not great

It's taken me several days to write this. Our ultrasound last Thursday didn't go as expected. We still have a baby with a beating heart (although we didn't get to hear it, only see it), but Baby G was measuring behind about a week and a couple days. This could be something to worry about or nothing to worry about. At the ultrasound I was 7 weeks 5 days but was measuring more like 6 weeks and 3 days. I didn't take this news well at all. All day Thursday I was in a state of mourning almost. I was being so pessimistic thinking this was it, we were eventually going to lose this baby. I couldn't snap out of it no matter how many times I googled it and read positive stories. I read more good outcomes than not and yet the not so good outcomes stuck with me the hardest. John was absolutely wonderful. He was staying so positive and really looking out for my mental well being. He really listened to me and then gave me reasons why we have to stay positive. It was a talk I will never forget. Our talk lasted all night. Even though I was being a negative Nelly, it was still so comforting that one of us was not ready to give up this fight. It makes me tear up now just recapping this. I feel that much closer to him for being there when I needed him the most.

Basically, there could be alot of factors on why Baby G is measuring behind. First the baby could be 2-3 days behind due to late implantation. I have always thought Baby G implanted late. In addition to this, the ultrasound machines are trying to measure something that is the size of a piece of rice. You can read all the time that as long as you are measuring within a week + or -, than you are doing good. The machine could be off. And it really depends on the skill of the person doing the ultrasound. Where they start the measurement and where they end it. So I'm much better than Thursday and Friday. It helped being distracted all weekend with a Christmas party Friday night, and family Christmas Saturday and Sunday.

Here is the updated ultrasound pic of Baby G along with the yolk and the gestational sac. I know it's can be hard to determine what is what in these pictures.

Here is another picture that compares the first ultrasound to the 2nd ultrasound.

 Although the first pic was taken a little less zoomed and the second was zoomed in a bit, there is still an obvious difference. The time between the 2 ultrasounds was exactly 2 weeks but baby only grew about a weeks worth. So we are hoping for either a growth spurt or that the baby is consistent with being a week behind but grew a weeks worth. It's still a question whether the baby was considered behind at the first ultrasound. The doc said everything looked good then. He never said what I was measuring exactly, except that I wasn't quite 6 weeks then, which was true. So it still disturbs me some that if everything was fine then, why is Baby G's growth stunted a bit and didn't grow a whole 2 weeks worth? Again, I really need to just refer to all the factors on why this could be and let it be in God's hands.

ALL THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS WELCOME!  Baby G needs all that he/she can get :-)

7 weeks!

Had a bit of a scare this weekend. Friday night I had some pink spotting. I was so scared that I just couldn't handle it. I cried myself tired. The next morning I woke up to brown spotting. Brown spotting is considered "old blood" and is a better sign that whatever may have been bleeding probably stopped. I called the nurse line to get their opinion and they told me exactly what I expected to hear. This is normal for woman to spot around the 7-8 week mark. They told me to stay off my feet for the rest of the weekend and to call back if it turns red. The rest of Saturday I was crampy all day, but not terrible. Enough that I couldn't take my mind off of the possibilities. I tried to think back to what may have caused me to bleed but I can't think of one thing. They say that it could be from the placenta attaching to the uterus which happens around this time. So who knows. It really could be anything. As long as it stopped and I wasn't cramping badly, I'm hopeful that it's one of those normal pregnant things. I never spotted with Morgan so this is new territory for me.

I haven't spotted since Saturday morning and am on pins and needles for my ultrasound on Thursday. It's first thing in the morning at 9am. Thank God! Once I hear a heartbeat, I will feel SO much better about this pregnancy. So many can try to say to relax and whatever happens, happens. So much easier said than done. We have put so much into this. It's like gambling. If you put $10k on the table and the odds of something coming of it were less than 50%, you would be sweating and worried too. I do deep breathing to get me through my more anxious moments as I know stress isn't good for baby. I do try to relax the body as much as possible.

Good news is that I have less than 3 weeks left to take my Progesterone shots. John has been wonderful making sure to help me with them. I do have to do them myself on Mondays as he bowls. Much easier when he is around to do them for me. Kind of an awkward position for me to do it.

We still have people to notify but trying to hold out until this ultrasound. So much happier to tell people when we know it's a viable pregnancy. I plan on updating on Thursday after ultrasound with picture :-)