...my baby you'll (ALWAYS) be.

“I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
as long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.”
-Robert Munsch

Our fairy tale we lived for 4 short weeks feels like a dream now and that we have woken to a real life nightmare. A parent's worst coming true. No one could ever imagine that we would be put into such a situation and believe we deserved such heartache. "Why?" is such a simple question yet the answer is to complex for life to understand. It hurts to much to ponder the whys, the what ifs and simply trying to understand. The tears shed are to much for any one person's eyes, the ache is to much for any one person's heart. Although the emotional pain is evident, the physical pain is yet to begin as the evidence that this is all over is soon to be experienced. To mentally know it's over should be enough, but it's not. We must also endure the real true meaning of a miscarriage - and take it like it's fair.

On Thursday, December 27, we walked into the ultrasound room not knowing what to expect. However, deep, deep down I knew Baby G wasn't with us anymore. As the tech started looking almost immediately she informed us she didn't see a heartbeat. She proceeded to do measurements of the sac and baby and asked how far along I'm supposed to be. I am supposed to be 8 weeks 5 days pregnant. She frowns and said that baby is only measuring 6 weeks. Basically, shortly after our ultrasound a week ago, baby's heart stopped and began to shrink. The tech informed us that the yolk sac is even abnormal and believes that the baby was chromosomally abnormal. I quickly asked that if this means that the rest of our frozen embryos could be abnormal too. She assured me that this happens a lot and that these same couples go on to have successful pregnancies.

I really held it together in that room. As we got into the car, I lost it. We didn't say a word the whole way home. We got home and I stayed on the couch the rest of the day. I informed many through text but much too painful to talk about it.

As of right now, my body still thinks I'm pregnant. I haven't started bleeding or have had any symptoms of miscarrying. Because my doctor is out of town for the holidays, he cannot do a D&C (manually remove the pregnancy) until late next week. He said I may begin to miscarry on my own before then. We are very ready to move forward to a FET (frozen embryo transfer). Doctor wants to transfer 3 embryos this time. He said we can do 2 again, but he suggests 3. John and I are all for transferring 3 if it means better chance at a normal healthy pregnancy. There is a lot that needs to be done until then, so I'm thinking this won't happen for another few months.

The poem above has entered my mind ever since receiving the news. I surely don't expect everyone to understand what we are going through. Some may say I was so early and never held it, how can it be so devastating. It's ok that they don't understand. In fact, I wish no one knew this kind of pain. It doesn't matter how long you tried and how far along you were. You created life and started to bond with that baby whether you held it physically or not. You do mourn and go through a grieving process. This was a product of John and I and we were so damn proud already! This angel baby will never be forgotten. Words cannot express the joy this baby had already brought into this house. What a powerful energy he/she provided.

We love you Baby G!! We hope you are in the hands of our loved ones in a better place. Help provide us the strength to move forward in bringing home your baby brother or sister. Please always remember...."our baby you'll always be".