Holidays, Shopping and Surgery...OH MY!

It’s been about 6 weeks since my last post. Busy with holidays. We hosted Thanksgiving for my mom, brother, Aunt, Uncle and Aunt’s son. It was perfect. Small but wonderful crowd, great food, and wine. We had no plans on going out Black Friday but guess what? We did! Who were we trying to fool. We didn’t get up at the ass crack of dawn. We mosied on out around 10:00 and went to Best Buy. Not crowded at all and no line. So we scored big without having to wait in crazy ass lines for hours. We hosted Christmas for my dad’s side of the family at the beginning of December.

Among getting ready for the holidays, John was scheduled for his surgery to repair his vericocele vein. It was scheduled for the beginning of December and was canceled days before due to insurance issues. Surprise surprise! Story of our life. Basically it came down to that John’s Urologist was in network, but the hospital in which the procedure was going to take place was NOT in network. So insurance wouldn’t cover the procedure if it was done at the out of network hospital. Now, I’m sure to people who work for insurance companies, this makes perfect sense, but us real people in the real world dealing with real issues, this is by far the most frustrating and asinine rule EVER! Something that seems like a simple fix is actually the most complicated fix. We had a couple options. The best option for us was to have another in network Urologist at the same office that we have never met do the procedure at a hospital that is in network. Confused yet? You’re probably asking “why couldn’t his original doctor just do the procedure at this other in network hospital”. Exactly what we asked! But apparently, it doesn’t work that way. What do we know anyway? We are just real people in the real world dealing with real issues and know nothing about insurance. Yet we pay lots of money for it. UGH!!!!

So, his procedure was scheduled for Monday December 19th. I took the day off to drive him to and from and take care of him. He came out of surgery and the doc came to speak with me. He said that all went well and that he was able to successfully tie off a couple rather large veins. I was surprised that he said couple. I was under the impression there was only one. He said typically they see results within 6-9 months. Seems so far away. He was in quite a bit of pain. He stayed home Tuesday and went to work Wednesday but ended up coming home half way through the day because he was really uncomfortable. Thursday he did ok, and he only worked a half day Friday. Then we both had the following week off for the holidays. It actually worked out quite well.

As of today he has had a follow up visit and is healing quite nicely. They had to make an incision really low on the left side. Similar to a C-section but a much smaller incision. Doctor said that it may be up to a year before he feels normal in that area again because they cut through muscle. He goes back in 3 months for a repeat SA to see how it’s effected his numbers so far. And repeat every 3 months after that to, hopefully, continue to watch them get better. I won’t be returning to the RE until we are ready again. Right now, we aren’t trying but not preventing. We just want to see how he heals and go from there. Who knows what the future holds but right now, it’s nice not have to worry about a bunch of appointments and tracking my cycle. Don’t get me wrong, it still kinda sucks to continue seeing pregnancy announcements and all that jazz, but I try to take it day by day for now. I have my good days and bad days.

It's to the point...

It's to the point where I can't even imagine myself pregnant anymore. My mind won't allow it. It's like it's given up on the thought of it even being possible. But emotionally, I'm so distraught and it hurts more and more each day.

It's to the point where I don't even think of baby names. I used to ALL the time. I used to bounce them off of John and Morgan to get their opinion. I don't even care now.

It's to the point where I feel I can no longer put on a fake smile around people who are pregnant. It is exciting for the moment, but deep down I just want to walk away. I don't want to talk about it. I know it sounds horrible and why can't I just be happy for them. But I can't help it how I feel. I fought it for so long. But those who judge me for how I feel clearly do not know what's it like to be in my shoes.

It's to the point where I'm starting to see my short fuse emerge. I get upset, angry, sad at things that don't normally get to me like that.

It's to the point where I can see myself shutting people out and not wanting to do anything with anyone. Because it seems like this dark cloud over me is so prominent that everyone, including people who don't know I struggle, can see the darkness encompass me.

It's to the point that I want to scream at the top of a mountain and ask why are people so messed up in life blessed with beautiful miracles just so they can throw them away like trash, beat them, and even kill them. I don't get it. I SO badly want to understand. I want an explanation why so many couples who would give a child the world struggle to have a child of their own.

It's to the point where I can't take it anymore...all the baby news lately. It's like every week someone announces their pregnancy. It hurts more and more each and every time. I have told people in the past that things happen for a reason. It may not make sense now, but one day down the road it will all be so clear. Funny how I can give out words of wisdom like that but cannot take my own words for what it's worth. 26 months of trying. That is ridiculous! I feel our doctors, especially John's Urologist failed us. We could have a nursery, baby toys all over the house, stacks of diapers and baby clothes to fold. But no, we have none of that....and not even sure we will ever.

And don't you think for one minute that I am not grateful for Morgan. I will admit that back then I took for granted my pregnancy. I was young and naive. I loved being pregnant but because it just happened, it never dawned on me the pain that so many people endure on a daily basis because it didn't come as easily to them. I am even more grateful knowing now what I didn't then. I truly believe Morgan came into my life for a reason. A reason I am not proud of, but I think she turned my life around for the better...much better. I grew up quicker, took responsibility and became independent. I did things I never thought I could ever do as a single mom. And I look back so proud of what I did for her and I. I want to give her a sibling from John and I. I know she wants nothing more. I want nothing more. It just seems so far out of reach

If you really want to know--Here is a good read

A friend posted this link on facebook today. She, too, struggled with secondary infertility. I read every word and cried. Even though the people in this article have gone through multiple IVFs and we haven't done one, it's still extremely painful. If you truly want to know what it's like, read this. It's a bit long, but it's a very good view on actual experience, besides my own, with infertility.

http://www.self.com/health/2010/08/breaking-the-silence-on-infertility?currentPage=1

It didn't work and more bad news

It’s been a while (again) since my last update. Obviously the medicated cycle did not work. I kinda shut down about it and trying not to think much about having a baby right now. I feel with the approaching holidays, it’s the last thing I want on my mind.

John had an appointment with a new Urologist on October 20th while Morgan and I were in Kansas City. This Urologist had a completely different opinion than the first Urologist. A while back, John had an ultrasound that showed he had a vericocele vein. A vericocele vein is like a varicose vein in the male genitalia. Basically the extra blood flow that it causes creates heat. Heat is not good for sperm. So in turn, these kill off or deform the sperm that he is producing. The first doc told him that he isn’t worried too much about it because John’s count is still good and that he is still so young yet that he didn’t recommend getting the surgery to fix it. So we trusted him. Well, fast forward 18 months, this new doc has told him that John is a poster child of someone who needs this surgery. He said with John’s semen analysis results, we would not be able to get pregnant, not even with an IUI. I’m sure the doc didn’t say this, but in other words, John is infertile. It was really hard to hear John explaining all of this over the phone while I was hundreds of miles away. I could tell he was really upset and angry with the first doc. As was I. We felt very discouraged and mislead. We felt we wasted over a year of trying due to the guidance of this doctor. We could have had this surgery done long time ago and we could be pregnant right now. Sperm reproduce every 3 months. So after his surgery, we won’t really know any results for 3 months. Maybe another 6 months. He has a follow up appt with this Urologist today and hopes to make the surgery appt within the next month. He will need to lay low for a couple days to recup.
Because of all of this information, we have decided not to move forward with anymore medicated cycles or the IUI until after his surgery and after 3 months or so. It would just be a waste of insurance coverage.

Despite the bad news on my vacation, I did manage to have a great 30th birthday thanks to some amazing KC friends :)

John and I have sat down and seriously talked about how far we want to go to have a baby. We have determined that we only want a biological child. No adoption or sperm donation. And IVF is still undetermined. It’s just a lot of money and it’s not guaranteed. I cannot fathom the thought to pay $10-$15K at a “chance” to have a baby for it not to work. I simply can’t wrap my mind around it. I am happy that we had this discussion though because I need to prepare myself that this just might not happen for us and we have to be happy with the family we have. I asked how long do you want to try and he said not over the age of 40. Well I said I didn’t want to past the age of 35. By that time, Morgan will be a teenager. I don’t think I am going to want to start all over. It hurts me right now to think that I possibly could have kids over 10 years apart.

A bunch of babies are about to arrive over the next 4 months. I know a couple people due this month, a couple next month, a couple in January and a couple in February. Sad and happy times approaching. Wish us luck as we embark on this heavy hearted time and pray for John and his upcoming surgery. I will try to update about his surgery after it’s done. Love to all!

5 down, 4 to go

Since my last update, things have gone as planned. AF arrived pretty much right on time on October 4th. I rec'd my meds about a week before that. Here is what I got:

That's alot of meds and needles, huh? In each box there are these:

 There are vials of saline solution and vials of a hard powdery substance which is the actual medication. Below is a closer look of each:

So, I mix this on my own and give myself a shot daily for 9 days. I am still in shock that they trust people to do this on their own  o_O
My first appt after AF arrived was cycle day 3 which was Thursday October 6. They did a baseline ultrasound to make sure that my ovaries are in good shape for me to take meds. To make sure I don't have any ovarian cysts and such. Then I get bloodwork done to confirm I am not pregnant. From there, Dorothy, who does my bloodwork and really just takes care of me (I love her more and more I go), shows me how to mix the meds and give myself practice shots. So I practiced a couple times with injecting saline solution. That night I was to do this for real and all on my own. I was so nervous. But lucky for you, I video taped it. It's about 5 minutes long. Please excuse my nails. I broke one right off right before this video. And excuse my obvious hesitation with every move I made. I am so much better at it now and plan on doing a new video: http://youtu.be/RRbJkMDSOHQ

So as you see I mix 1cc if saline solution with one vial of medication. I did that for 3 days. Then days 4-6, I mix 1cc of saline solution with 2 vials of meds. Then days 7-9 I mix 1cc of saline solution with 3 vials of meds. Today I did my second day of 2 vials of meds. BOY, do I feel my ovaries. They are screaming.Laying here, I am very tender where they are. It's like I can feel them literally growing.

I had an appt this morning for ultrasound and bloodwork. They closely monitor my progress with these meds. Depending on how my body responds to the meds, determines whether we stay on track with the. If I am not responding quick enough, they may up my meds faster. If I am responding too much, they cut back my meds. Today's ultrasound showed that I am responding very well to the meds. She said this is grander than they normally see at this stage in the cycle. I have 3 sizable follicles on my right ovary and 2 sizable follicles on my left ovary. They measure each follicle. The money size is 18x18x18 when ovulation occurs. This is the mature size. Right now they are 10x13x11, 10x7x7, 8x9x9, 7x9x10, and 7x7x7. These are all good for right now since I am only on cycle day 7. I have potentially another week before I take the trigger shot to force the ovulation. What these follicles mean is that if all grow and mature, potentially, and I use that term loosely, could all release eggs. An unmedicated cycle usually only releases one egg. These meds help me create more follicles to help give us a better chance of pregnancy by producing more than one egg. This is where the possibility of multiples come in. Sure, twins would be great. But I am not sure about 3 or more. Now that's just crazy talk right there!

Bloodwork showed an estrogen level of 177.9, progesterone level of .59 and an LH level of 3.3. These are all good for this stage of my cycle.

Man, I gotta say as I am typing this, my ovaries are in serious overdrive. Making me pretty uncomfortable.

This cycle is planned just perfectly as my fertile time will be right before I leave for Kansas City on the 20th. Just in time for my 30th bday! Wouldn't it just be the best bday ever to find out I am pregnant?! Keep the prayers coming. We need all we can get! We love each and every one of you that supports us through this. I am not sure what I would do if I wasn't able to talk so freely about this with you  <3

My next appointment is Wednesday for repeat ultrasound and bloodwork, then back again on Friday to repeat again. I will try to log in and update my stats. Until then...

Moving forward and lots of praying

On September 16th I had an appt with my RE. It was a dual appt. My annual pap and to discuss what to expect during a medicated cycle. As far as they saw I had a normal pap. So with that aside, it was learning about the injectible fertility meds and what to expect as far as all the appts during the cycle. They prescribed the medication, Menopur, for me to take during the beginning of my next cycle. This drug induces the development of multiple eggs giving a better chance at pregnancy. People have asked me what are my chances of pregnancy with this drug. There aren't any statistics per se, but it's got to be a bigger chance then I have now. So any step forward of any kind is alright with me. They also prescribed one shot of  human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG), aka the trigger shot. This is given to induce the release of the egg (ovulation). By taking that shot, we are in control of when I ovulate giving us a better chance at timing it right.

Since my last update we have decided that we are trying the meds effective next cycle, which will be early October (roughly in a week) as opposed to later in the year. This is JUST the meds and timed intercourse, NOT meds and IUI. If this cycle doesn't work, then we will plan an IUI before the end of the year. Reason is that John found out about Ford's benefit increase to the employees, so we may decide that it's better for me to hold the insurance for the family. So we want to get all that we can get out of our current insurance which consists of 3 months of fertility meds and 1 IUI covered.

I had a little run in with trying to get my meds. They called the script into my local CVS Pharmacy. They typically have to order them as they do not have those on hand. But I was told the pharmacy had a rejection notice from my insurance. Come to find out that my insurance has a say on what pharmacy fills these prescriptions. My RE office got it all worked out and now was approved through Pharmacy Advantage. They get shipped to me. I called today to follow up on the status of the scripts and our insurance approved the meds this morning. I called the pharmacy and they said I can have them as early as tomorrow! YAY! I really can't believe this is all happening...so many emotions involved in the process. Who knew I would be so excited to know my meds are on the way. One might think that this would suck that I have to do all this, but like I said earlier, any step closer to having a baby, big or small, is alright with me. 

To give a synopsis of my life for the next month (and every month after if this doesn't work):

1.) Call the RE on my first day of menstruation (sometime early October) to set up an appt within the following 2 days to have a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. The u/s shows them that my ovaries are good and healthy and are clear from any ovarian cysts. If there are cysts, they typically do not go forward with the fertility meds as they could really over stimulate and cause damage to the ovaries. The bloodwork is to check estrogen levels and check for pregnancy..just in case ;-). At this appt, they will run down, again, what to expect for this cycle and set up a schedule of appts for that month. They will show me how to mix/prepare and administer the meds.
2.) I start the injectibles on cycle day 3 or 4 and they are very adament that I be sure to plan on having the injections between 6-7 pm. And I will take injections for aproximately 9 days.
3.) I go back to the RE several times throughout the cycle for bloodwork for appropriate monitoring of the medication.
4.) Cycle day 12-15  I will have another ultrasound to determine how well I am responding to the meds. How many folicles I have. At this point they will tell me when to take the trigger shot to induce the release of egg(s).
5.) Return on cycle day 21 for bloodwork to confirm ovulation and determine the quality of egg(s) that were released. (btw, I find it INCREDIBLY amazing that so much can be told through blood).
6.) If I'm pregnant, I go back to get another blood draw to confirm pregnancy. If I am not pregnant, then I call them on my first day of menstruation and it starts all over again.

So many painful pokes ahead of me. One day, it will all be worth it. In the meantime, please pray hard for us! Thanks again for the overwhelming support! It means so much. I am super open to talk about this process, so if you have questions, just ask. I am happy to share with you.

Something to read, then think about before playing stupid Facebook "status games"

Please read this. I could not have said it any better:

http://cgwardphotography.blogspot.com/2011/08/regarding-facebook-breast-cancer.html