It's to the point where I can't even imagine myself pregnant anymore. My mind won't allow it. It's like it's given up on the thought of it even being possible. But emotionally, I'm so distraught and it hurts more and more each day.
It's to the point where I don't even think of baby names. I used to ALL the time. I used to bounce them off of John and Morgan to get their opinion. I don't even care now.
It's to the point where I feel I can no longer put on a fake smile around people who are pregnant. It is exciting for the moment, but deep down I just want to walk away. I don't want to talk about it. I know it sounds horrible and why can't I just be happy for them. But I can't help it how I feel. I fought it for so long. But those who judge me for how I feel clearly do not know what's it like to be in my shoes.
It's to the point where I'm starting to see my short fuse emerge. I get upset, angry, sad at things that don't normally get to me like that.
It's to the point where I can see myself shutting people out and not wanting to do anything with anyone. Because it seems like this dark cloud over me is so prominent that everyone, including people who don't know I struggle, can see the darkness encompass me.
It's to the point that I want to scream at the top of a mountain and ask why are people so messed up in life blessed with beautiful miracles just so they can throw them away like trash, beat them, and even kill them. I don't get it. I SO badly want to understand. I want an explanation why so many couples who would give a child the world struggle to have a child of their own.
It's to the point where I can't take it anymore...all the baby news lately. It's like every week someone announces their pregnancy. It hurts more and more each and every time. I have told people in the past that things happen for a reason. It may not make sense now, but one day down the road it will all be so clear. Funny how I can give out words of wisdom like that but cannot take my own words for what it's worth. 26 months of trying. That is ridiculous! I feel our doctors, especially John's Urologist failed us. We could have a nursery, baby toys all over the house, stacks of diapers and baby clothes to fold. But no, we have none of that....and not even sure we will ever.
And don't you think for one minute that I am not grateful for Morgan. I will admit that back then I took for granted my pregnancy. I was young and naive. I loved being pregnant but because it just happened, it never dawned on me the pain that so many people endure on a daily basis because it didn't come as easily to them. I am even more grateful knowing now what I didn't then. I truly believe Morgan came into my life for a reason. A reason I am not proud of, but I think she turned my life around for the better...much better. I grew up quicker, took responsibility and became independent. I did things I never thought I could ever do as a single mom. And I look back so proud of what I did for her and I. I want to give her a sibling from John and I. I know she wants nothing more. I want nothing more. It just seems so far out of reach
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
If you really want to know--Here is a good read
A friend posted this link on facebook today. She, too, struggled with secondary infertility. I read every word and cried. Even though the people in this article have gone through multiple IVFs and we haven't done one, it's still extremely painful. If you truly want to know what it's like, read this. It's a bit long, but it's a very good view on actual experience, besides my own, with infertility.
http://www.self.com/health/2010/08/breaking-the-silence-on-infertility?currentPage=1
http://www.self.com/health/2010/08/breaking-the-silence-on-infertility?currentPage=1
Thursday, November 10, 2011
It didn't work and more bad news
It’s been a while (again) since my last update. Obviously the medicated cycle did not work. I kinda shut down about it and trying not to think much about having a baby right now. I feel with the approaching holidays, it’s the last thing I want on my mind.
John had an appointment with a new Urologist on October 20th while Morgan and I were in Kansas City. This Urologist had a completely different opinion than the first Urologist. A while back, John had an ultrasound that showed he had a vericocele vein. A vericocele vein is like a varicose vein in the male genitalia. Basically the extra blood flow that it causes creates heat. Heat is not good for sperm. So in turn, these kill off or deform the sperm that he is producing. The first doc told him that he isn’t worried too much about it because John’s count is still good and that he is still so young yet that he didn’t recommend getting the surgery to fix it. So we trusted him. Well, fast forward 18 months, this new doc has told him that John is a poster child of someone who needs this surgery. He said with John’s semen analysis results, we would not be able to get pregnant, not even with an IUI. I’m sure the doc didn’t say this, but in other words, John is infertile. It was really hard to hear John explaining all of this over the phone while I was hundreds of miles away. I could tell he was really upset and angry with the first doc. As was I. We felt very discouraged and mislead. We felt we wasted over a year of trying due to the guidance of this doctor. We could have had this surgery done long time ago and we could be pregnant right now. Sperm reproduce every 3 months. So after his surgery, we won’t really know any results for 3 months. Maybe another 6 months. He has a follow up appt with this Urologist today and hopes to make the surgery appt within the next month. He will need to lay low for a couple days to recup.
Because of all of this information, we have decided not to move forward with anymore medicated cycles or the IUI until after his surgery and after 3 months or so. It would just be a waste of insurance coverage.
Despite the bad news on my vacation, I did manage to have a great 30th birthday thanks to some amazing KC friends :)
John and I have sat down and seriously talked about how far we want to go to have a baby. We have determined that we only want a biological child. No adoption or sperm donation. And IVF is still undetermined. It’s just a lot of money and it’s not guaranteed. I cannot fathom the thought to pay $10-$15K at a “chance” to have a baby for it not to work. I simply can’t wrap my mind around it. I am happy that we had this discussion though because I need to prepare myself that this just might not happen for us and we have to be happy with the family we have. I asked how long do you want to try and he said not over the age of 40. Well I said I didn’t want to past the age of 35. By that time, Morgan will be a teenager. I don’t think I am going to want to start all over. It hurts me right now to think that I possibly could have kids over 10 years apart.
A bunch of babies are about to arrive over the next 4 months. I know a couple people due this month, a couple next month, a couple in January and a couple in February. Sad and happy times approaching. Wish us luck as we embark on this heavy hearted time and pray for John and his upcoming surgery. I will try to update about his surgery after it’s done. Love to all!
John had an appointment with a new Urologist on October 20th while Morgan and I were in Kansas City. This Urologist had a completely different opinion than the first Urologist. A while back, John had an ultrasound that showed he had a vericocele vein. A vericocele vein is like a varicose vein in the male genitalia. Basically the extra blood flow that it causes creates heat. Heat is not good for sperm. So in turn, these kill off or deform the sperm that he is producing. The first doc told him that he isn’t worried too much about it because John’s count is still good and that he is still so young yet that he didn’t recommend getting the surgery to fix it. So we trusted him. Well, fast forward 18 months, this new doc has told him that John is a poster child of someone who needs this surgery. He said with John’s semen analysis results, we would not be able to get pregnant, not even with an IUI. I’m sure the doc didn’t say this, but in other words, John is infertile. It was really hard to hear John explaining all of this over the phone while I was hundreds of miles away. I could tell he was really upset and angry with the first doc. As was I. We felt very discouraged and mislead. We felt we wasted over a year of trying due to the guidance of this doctor. We could have had this surgery done long time ago and we could be pregnant right now. Sperm reproduce every 3 months. So after his surgery, we won’t really know any results for 3 months. Maybe another 6 months. He has a follow up appt with this Urologist today and hopes to make the surgery appt within the next month. He will need to lay low for a couple days to recup.
Because of all of this information, we have decided not to move forward with anymore medicated cycles or the IUI until after his surgery and after 3 months or so. It would just be a waste of insurance coverage.
Despite the bad news on my vacation, I did manage to have a great 30th birthday thanks to some amazing KC friends :)
John and I have sat down and seriously talked about how far we want to go to have a baby. We have determined that we only want a biological child. No adoption or sperm donation. And IVF is still undetermined. It’s just a lot of money and it’s not guaranteed. I cannot fathom the thought to pay $10-$15K at a “chance” to have a baby for it not to work. I simply can’t wrap my mind around it. I am happy that we had this discussion though because I need to prepare myself that this just might not happen for us and we have to be happy with the family we have. I asked how long do you want to try and he said not over the age of 40. Well I said I didn’t want to past the age of 35. By that time, Morgan will be a teenager. I don’t think I am going to want to start all over. It hurts me right now to think that I possibly could have kids over 10 years apart.
A bunch of babies are about to arrive over the next 4 months. I know a couple people due this month, a couple next month, a couple in January and a couple in February. Sad and happy times approaching. Wish us luck as we embark on this heavy hearted time and pray for John and his upcoming surgery. I will try to update about his surgery after it’s done. Love to all!
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